With the Autism rate being 1:36, chances are that most neurotypical families know someone with an autistic family member. Whether a family member’s child has been newly diagnosed or a new friend has a child on the spectrum, the question may be looming in your mind… how can I support my friend or family member who has an autistic child?
Kelly Jones, LPCC, MS of Blume Counseling notes, “You need zero special training or skills to be a good friend to a person with a disability. You should not feel unequipped. Ask yourself if previously you have needed skills to be kind to another human. This friendship is no different.” Along with simply exhibiting general human kindness, here are some additional tips on supporting a family with an autistic child:
INVITE
Everyone wants to feel included! An autism diagnosis can make a family feel othered—different from the rest. Combat that by accepting those differences and remembering to include the whole family in invitations. Jones suggests that intentions matter, “Let your actions speak positively about your love and care for others.” Depending on a myriad of factors, they may or may not be able to attend a given gathering, but simply being invited can mean the world.
A get-together can be stressful for a family that has a member on the spectrum. Asking “Is it easier for us to meet somewhere, you to come to us, or us to come to you?” may be helpful in the planning stages! With the Autism Spectrum Disorder affecting how senses are perceived and felt, bright lights, loud sounds, and pungent smells could be triggering for ASD individuals. Making modifications, even making sure there is a quiet, dim space for the child if they become overstimulated, will allow everyone to enjoy themselves. Also understand your loved ones’ family may need to take breaks or even need to leave early. Life is unpredictable, and while optimism and hoping for the best are beautiful mindsets, being ready to accept alternatives is good preparation for reality.
If life is handing your friend a particularly difficult phase where spending time together in person is temporarily out of the question, don’t be a stranger! Keep the friendship alive through phone calls and texts. Just like all parents deserve some time in the world as adults (not just parents)… special needs caregivers also need respite; be sure to invite your loved one out for some quality one-on-one time, too!
EMBRACE
Unfortunately, having an autistic child can come with a lot of unfair judgement. Strangers staring at innocent stims, gawking at meltdowns, offering snide comments about what they’d do if their own child did X,Y or Z. This can be disheartening and absolutely exhausting to the family of a newly diagnosed individual. It hurts. The good news is that many veteran been-there-done-that parents will tell you they develop thick skins to thwart ignorance, they become immune to a vast majority of strangers’ side eyes and that they even enjoy joining in on their kids’ happy stims. Additionally, having people who accept and embrace their whole family unit is the biggest blessing of all.
Kelly Jones reminds, “As a friend, you have a lot of power to change someone’s day. One small act of inclusion or kindness could be a life-changing or hope-saving event for a family with a disability. Never underestimate the rippling effects of your choice to include—not only do you positively impact the child, but the parents, and others who may make a choice of inclusion after they see how easy it can be!” The best feeling for a family with autism is simply being accepted with open arms. Having a safe space to exist, unjudged, feels like a sigh of relief. Be a safe space! Simply accept your friend and meet them where they are with patience and love.
Every individual on the spectrum is unique and finding the path to connecting will certainly vary. Get to know the child and be a model for positive behavior and inclusion. Does the autistic child have a special interest? Enter their world and ask all about it. Does the autistic child enjoy certain activities? Join in. Does the autistic child have a favorite snack? Offer it. Treat the autistic child like any other child, with kindness, respect and the assumption of competence.
EVOLVE
As an adult, there are millions of resources out there! Research is your friend and knowledge is power. Read up on works from trusted medical sources, dig into “actually autistic” content creators who use their voices to educate and simply familiarize yourself with the world your friend exists in. We all start from somewhere and we all have a lot to learn.
In your research, you may find there are strongly varying opinions within the autism community, for example “child with autism” vs. “autistic child.” Jones notes that the vastness of resources can sometimes be overwhelming and it is a wonderful idea to go straight to the source! “The disability community is always evolving and all humans are always learning. Simply ask the person’s preference re: language or description. If you get it wrong, apologize, make the change and move forward.”
One thing of beauty about being an inclusive person is that it can lead to raising empathetic children. Having a conversation with your kids about disabilities does not have to be difficult or daunting; simple and direct is best. Explain what it is: Autism is a developmental disability where an individual thinks, senses, moves, communicates and socializes differently. Every individual on the spectrum has different strengths and different challenges. And how it may affect an individual: through eye contact, stimming, repetition, difficulty with social cues, use of PECS or an AAC device, etc. A snippet of the conversation may sound like, “While they may have some differences from you, I bet you can find lots of things you share in common!”
Jones profoundly remarks that “exclusion takes more effort than inclusion.” This is especially true if empathy, patience and understanding are instilled as habits when kids are young. More than just a nice buzz word in the month of April, inclusion should be a model to live by and lead by every single day. In all facets of life encourage your family to accept differences, celebrate individuality and most of all, always be kind.
