Someday I Won't Be Here
Dearest husband and children,
In the event of my untimely demise or incapacitation, I am leaving the following list of instructions. Put them in a safe place, you most undoubtedly will need them.
- The toilet paper roll is held in place by a spindle. When one roll is empty, you may replace it with a full roll by firmly grasping one end of the spring-loaded spindle between your thumb and forefinger, then pulling toward the center of the spindle. Once free, remove empty toilet paper roll, then replace with full roll. To put spindle back in place, follow above directions in reverse.
- The stovetop may and should be cleaned. To accomplish this mysterious task, allow cooktop to cool (this is important, lest you burn your fingers and have to look for the aloe vera gel and we all know Mom is the only one who can find it). Then, use a damp sponge to wipe away spills and food particles. Repeat as necessary.
- To clear cutting board of bread crumbs, use a clean sponge, a paper towel, a washcloth or even your hand. The important thing is that you do it.
- Bread will dry out if the bag is not closed properly. For this reason, bags of bread are sold with a handy closing device called a “twist-tie”. The twist-tie doesn't cost extra; it's thrown in as a free accessory. USE IT.
- Dumping clean clothes on the floor tends to make them dirty much more quickly. Some genius way back in history created a wondrous device called a "dresser". It has miraculous little things inside it called "drawers". You will find that clothes stay cleaner much longer when placed inside these strange "drawers". To use: Firmly grasp knob on outside of drawer. Pull knob toward you, thus opening drawer. Place folded clothes (see Appendix A for instructions on how to fold clothes) inside drawer. Gently push drawer closed. Slamming drawers has never been proven to help them stay shut.
- A stick of margarine will, by its very nature, collect bread crumbs. May I suggest using a butter knife to slice off the amount of margarine needed, instead of stabbing or scraping at random parts of the stick, smearing on toast and going in for another scrape, leaving crumbs embedded in the cube?
- Getting dirty dishes to the kitchen may sound like an insurmountable task, but I will try to explain it in elementary steps. First, grasp plate, bowl or glass in hand. Next, lift the item. That's right - just pick it up. Good! Now, turn your body in the direction of the kitchen and begin walking. Continue until you reach the kitchen (see map, attached). Finally, place dishes in sink. For the advanced, an attempt at rinsing dishes may be made.
- You're just going to have to accept that when I'm gone, there will be no one to stay up all night baking cookies for the bake sale you forgot about until bedtime. There's just no way around that. I have, however, drawn a map to the nearest bakery (attached).
- Go ahead and pour those last few drops of milk out of the jug and put "milk" on the shopping list. No one is going to yell at you.
- Using a snow shovel and rake to shove everything from your bedroom floor into the closet is not the same as cleaning your room. Along the same line, cramming every available space in the house full of stuff is not the same as being organized. Find a place for everything and keep it there.
I know it will be hard to go on without me, dear husband and children, but rest assured that I am in a much, MUCH better place.